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Funny Pics / Funny Stories

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Guilaine
gerardM
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Message  gerardM Mar 16 Déc - 10:40


Staying Alive is Not Enough



No One is Coming to Save You
By Jason Demakis You are 100% responsible for yourself, your actions, and the consequences of those actions – no matter if: 1. your behavior is positiv
expandedconsciousness.com

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Message  gerardM Mar 16 Déc - 11:46




Just for Jokes and Fun

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Message  gerardM Mar 16 Déc - 14:53


A woman walks into an undertakers to see her husband laid out. She says: "I wish he wasn't in his black suit. He looks so much better in blue. Couldn't you get him changed?"
The undertaker responds: "OK, give me 15 minutes."
She comes back to find two coffins, one with a man in a blue suit, one with a man in black.
"Goodness me," she says, "that was quick".
The undertaker responds: "It was easy. I just swapped their heads around".

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PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
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Message  MurielB Mar 16 Déc - 23:15


Sorry for having posted this in "Funny Pics / Funny Stories"... I don't think this is funny but way true!
Very kind Gérard !

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Message  gerardM Mer 17 Déc - 18:02

Dawn French Fan Club

Gag of the week (submitted by our fan Maddy J Keil)

It's raining hard and a big puddle is forming in front of an Irish pub. An odd-looking old man is standing beside a puddle holding a stick with a string on the end, while jiggling it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asks what he is doing?
"Fishing," replies the odd old man.
"Poor old fool," thinks the gentleman. But what the hell? He may well be good for a laugh, and so he invites him in for a drink in the pub.
Sipping their first whisky, the gentleman asks the obvious question, knowing he will relish the answer ever afterwards, to tell his friends:
"And how many have you caught?"
"You're my eighth, today

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Message  MurielB Mer 17 Déc - 21:51

Do you know why santa has to be a man and can't be a woman ? santa


No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year! Wink

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Message  gerardM Jeu 18 Déc - 0:19

Dawn French Fan Club

A man walks into a bar with a box.
The barman says: "Free drink if you show me what's in the box.
"OK" he says, and opens it, revealing a mini-pianist.
"Where did you get that?" says the barman.
"I've got a magic ring. Rub it, and it grants a wish," says the man.
"Let me have a go for another free drink." The barman rubs it and 1,000 ducks run in. "I didn't ask for that!" screams the barman. "I wanted 1,000 bucks!"
"Well, do you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

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Message  gerardM Jeu 18 Déc - 11:55

Dawn French Fan Club

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are all stranded on an island. They’ve been there for years, when one day the Englishman finds a lamp buried in the sand. He starts to polish it and out pops a genie.
Oh, thank you master says the genie, I will grant you each one wish!
The Englishman says… Oh how I’d love to be at Lords sipping a Gin and Tonic, watching the cricket. Big flash, cloud of smoke and he’s gone!
The Scotsman says… see you jimmy, I wish I was at Hampden Park with a few mates watching the football. Big flash , cloud of smoke and he’s gone!
The Irishman says “Bejesus its gonna be awful lonely here without them, can you bring them back”????

There're several mistakes in this text.
Will you find them out?

_________________
Please feel free to point out big mistakes in my messages in a foreign language. Thanks to your remarks, I'll be able to improve my level.
PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
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Message  gerardM Jeu 18 Déc - 14:11


Dawn French Fan Club

I could listen to them all 

Dad Caught His Twins In A “Conversation” That Left Him In Awe.
He catches them in the midst of what seems to be a very meaningful conversation, where a multitude of emotions are on display.
VIRALVIDEOSGALLERY.COM

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PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
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Message  gerardM Sam 20 Déc - 15:08

Dawn French Fan Club

A man joins a football team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex."
The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.
The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?"
His mate said smiling, "Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!."
The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."


_________________
Please feel free to point out big mistakes in my messages in a foreign language. Thanks to your remarks, I'll be able to improve my level.
PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
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Message  MurielB Sam 20 Déc - 21:40

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.

Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

http://dothan.craigslist.org/rnr/4815052541.html


Dernière édition par MurielB le Dim 21 Oct - 15:38, édité 1 fois

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Message  gerardM Sam 20 Déc - 22:18

Excellent!

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Message  gerardM Dim 21 Déc - 18:12

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"

_________________
Please feel free to point out big mistakes in my messages in a foreign language. Thanks to your remarks, I'll be able to improve my level.
PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
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Message  gerardM Lun 22 Déc - 11:25

Dawn French Fan Club

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"

_________________
Please feel free to point out big mistakes in my messages in a foreign language. Thanks to your remarks, I'll be able to improve my level.
PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
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Message  gerardM Dim 28 Déc - 21:53

Dawn French Fan Club

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old
son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of
bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last
stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your
asses in the train cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that
kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room
and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,
you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard
her son say... "All passengers, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue... "for those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."

_________________
Please feel free to point out big mistakes in my messages in a foreign language. Thanks to your remarks, I'll be able to improve my level.
PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
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Message  gerardM Mar 30 Déc - 22:12


Dawn French Fan Club

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.
He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed."
At 4PM the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed, they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

_________________
Please feel free to point out big mistakes in my messages in a foreign language. Thanks to your remarks, I'll be able to improve my level.
PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
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Message  gerardM Sam 3 Jan - 16:41

Dawn French Fan Club

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up: "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

_________________
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Message  MurielB Sam 3 Jan - 21:24

Hi Gérard !
I am sorry but I can't read your last funny story ! Sad

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Message  gerardM Sam 3 Jan - 22:18

Thanks Muriel!

I'm sorry there's a glitch somewhere; I can read a message that states:
Sorry, something went wrong.

We're working on it and we'll get it fixed as soon as we can.
Hope it will get fixed soon.

_________________
Please feel free to point out big mistakes in my messages in a foreign language. Thanks to your remarks, I'll be able to improve my level.
PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
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Message  MurielB Dim 4 Jan - 21:29

Thanks Gérard !

_________________
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Pour n'importe quelle  question =>muriel.bercez@gmail.com
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You Don't speak French              =>Gb,De, Esp, It 
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Message  Guilaine Dim 11 Jan - 12:33

Hi Gérard,
Il like that one !
Also it is an interesting example which shows when to use "the" in Eng.
Guilaine
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Message  MurielB Dim 11 Jan - 22:47

The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said.

"One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room.

He stood with his arms crossed and said, .  .  .

"I'm not free.  I'm four." Very Happy

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Pour n'importe quelle  question =>muriel.bercez@gmail.com
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Message  Guilaine Lun 12 Jan - 15:18

Fourth of July in the US : OK

He's not free, because he is only four : OK ?

or

He is not three, but four : a matter of pronunciation ?
Guilaine
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Message  gerardM Lun 12 Jan - 15:33


Dawn French Fan Club

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

_________________
Please feel free to point out big mistakes in my messages in a foreign language. Thanks to your remarks, I'll be able to improve my level.
PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
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Message  MurielB Lun 12 Jan - 16:33

Guilaine a écrit:Fourth of July in the US : OK

He's not free, because he is only four : OK ?

or

He is not three, but four : a matter of pronunciation ?

Guilaine I liked that story because it made be think of my bilingual grandson Emile who keeps repeating that he is four with his sweet little voice.
He is not three, but four : a matter of pronunciation ?

 yes you have got it perfectly By the way it is interesting to think about pronunciation problems in different languages.
http://www.theguardian.com/education/2004/sep/23/research.highereducation2 
Reported prevalence of dyslexia is much higher in English (about 5-6%) than Chinese

It is easier for dyslexic children to learn Italian, Esperanto or chinese. French and English are a lot more difficult for them.

English spelling is extremely counter-intuitive! For instance why is it that words like “through”, “trough”, and “though” sound so different?
Very difficult for children !

_________________
France Merci de me faire part des grosses fautes dans mes messages en langue étrangère (en Message Privé). Grâce à vos remarques, je pourrai m'améliorer  :-) 
Pour n'importe quelle  question =>muriel.bercez@gmail.com
Pour connaitre le mode d'emploi=>PRESENTATION
You Don't speak French              =>Gb,De, Esp, It 
MurielB
MurielB
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