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Message  gerardM le Jeu 16 Juil - 19:48

Locker Room Cell Phone Conversation
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
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Message  MurielB le Jeu 16 Juil - 21:45

Alternatively you can email and be sure who you are writing to. Wink

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Message  gerardM le Ven 17 Juil - 15:59

Muriel,
You can also ask Google about "Lincoln and the Internet".

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Message  gerardM le Ven 17 Juil - 15:59

Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.
The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:
"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"

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PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
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Message  MurielB le Ven 17 Juil - 21:01

gerardM a écrit:Muriel,
You can also ask Google about "Lincoln and the Internet".

Gérard, Google has just told me that Lincold is still alive but he is in the hereafter watching us surfing the internet.   Wink


Dernière édition par MurielB le Ven 17 Juil - 21:06, édité 1 fois

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Message  gerardM le Ven 17 Juil - 21:05

He should be tearing his hair out in despair seeing how his country changed.

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Message  MurielB le Dim 19 Juil - 22:03

Dawn French Fan Club - Page 22 138715_20140425_060846_True-friends-are-those


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Message  gerardM le Lun 20 Juil - 22:19

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

_________________
Please feel free to point out big mistakes in my messages in a foreign language. Thanks to your remarks, I'll be able to improve my level.
PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
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Message  gerardM le Lun 20 Juil - 22:19

How to shower like a woman, and a man...
Woman: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry baskets according to lights and darks.
Man: Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Woman: Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Man: Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at her making a "wey hey" sound.
Woman: Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
Man: Look at your manly physique in the mirror, suck in your gut, look for pecs. Admire yourself in the mirror.
Woman: Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone
Man: Get in the shower.
Woman: Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Jojoba shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Man: Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
Woman: Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Jojoba shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Man: Wash your face.
Woman: Condition your hair with Cucumber and Jojoba conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes
Man: Wash your armpits.
Woman: Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Man: Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
Woman: Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Man: Wash your privates and surrounding area.
Woman: Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
Man: Ensure you leave "special" hair on the soap bar.
Woman: Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Man: Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
Woman: Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you freeze / roast
Man: Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Woman: Turn off shower.
Man: Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
Woman: Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Mould and Mildew Remover.
Man: Pee (in the shower).
Woman: Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Man: Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the bath the whole time.
Woman: Check entire body for the remotest sign of a blemish. Attack with nails/tweezers/Stanley knife/sander/power drill if found.
Man: Partially dry off.
Woman: Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
Man: Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire self again.
Woman: If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
Man: Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

_________________
Please feel free to point out big mistakes in my messages in a foreign language. Thanks to your remarks, I'll be able to improve my level.
PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
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Message  gerardM le Mar 21 Juil - 14:31

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

_________________
Please feel free to point out big mistakes in my messages in a foreign language. Thanks to your remarks, I'll be able to improve my level.
PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
gerardM

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Message  gerardM le Mer 22 Juil - 14:53

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You damn liar!! You went bowling again!!"

_________________
Please feel free to point out big mistakes in my messages in a foreign language. Thanks to your remarks, I'll be able to improve my level.
PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
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Message  gerardM le Ven 24 Juil - 21:42

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a young man in a Forest football shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Nottingham coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

_________________
Please feel free to point out big mistakes in my messages in a foreign language. Thanks to your remarks, I'll be able to improve my level.
PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
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Message  gerardM le Ven 24 Juil - 21:52


French & Saunders parody of the movie The Piano
(click to watch video)

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Message  gerardM le Sam 25 Juil - 16:23

On the ordinary days of our life, you work, educate your children, have some fun, build and sustain connections with others, that is, you live an ordinary life. The question is whether you are mindful during all these things, or you just perform these activities mechanically, automatically. When you are fully alert, attentive, and conscious in the present moment, the mind stops working, the reckless stream of thoughts is suspended. Ego disappears, identity is broken. Only the spell of the moment, the mysterious shine of the Consciousness remains.

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PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
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Message  gerardM le Sam 25 Juil - 16:23

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter how much peace we create within, the outside world - which is us - remains in a chronic state of suffering and choas. To the enlightened, it’s like we’re living in Crazy Town. Seriously, everywhere we look we see madness. If we no longer want to live alone in Crazy Town, embracing the love and light within is really only one side of the awakening story. We also need to actively manifest change in the outer world if we're ever going to transcend this madness.

_________________
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PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
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Message  gerardM le Sam 25 Juil - 16:51

A wealthy man has been having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

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PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
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Message  gerardM le Sam 25 Juil - 17:20

Dawn French Fan Club - Page 22 Sdfasd10

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Message  MurielB le Dim 26 Juil - 0:05

For those,like me,who don't know
To brag is
to talk about your achievements or possessions in a proud way that annoys other people

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Message  gerardM le Dim 26 Juil - 12:04

Tx  Muriel.
I'm not 100% sure but I wonder if André Agassi didn't have "brag" in his nickname (given by journalists).

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Message  gerardM le Lun 27 Juil - 15:10




20 Crucial Pieces of Life Advice, as Told by People Over 60. Number 11 Is Essential.
Our elders are full of wisdom, we just have to listen.
VIRALSLOT.COM

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Message  MurielB le Mar 28 Juil - 9:34

when it's a polyglot café you can improve your language skills ! Wink

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Message  MurielB le Mar 28 Juil - 19:56

Thanks Gérard
To run out of
is a very good expression :-)

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Message  gerardM le Mar 28 Juil - 22:57

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"

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PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
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Message  gerardM le Mer 29 Juil - 23:19

THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 60

1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3) No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

4) People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6) There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7) Things you buy now won't wear out.

8 ) You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9) You can live without sex but not without your glasses.

10) You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11) You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

14) You sing along with elevator music.

15) Your eyes won't get much worse.

16) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

18) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

19) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20) You can't remember where you saw this list.

_________________
Please feel free to point out big mistakes in my messages in a foreign language. Thanks to your remarks, I'll be able to improve my level.
PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
gerardM

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Dawn French Fan Club - Page 22 Empty Re: Dawn French Fan Club

Message  gerardM le Ven 31 Juil - 15:37

Man Forgets to Close Zipper in Supermarket. but Never Expected a Woman to Say This.

When your zipper is open, you can never know if you forgot to close it in the first place or if it opened by itself. This seems to happen quite a bit and below is a story of someone who thought he could spin the situation into his favour.

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

A lady cashier walked up to him and said, ‘Your barracks door is open.’

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, ‘Your fly is open.’
He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his ‘barracks door.’
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said,

‘When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Soldier standing in there at attention?’

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said . .. ..

‘No, no, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.’

_________________
Please feel free to point out big mistakes in my messages in a foreign language. Thanks to your remarks, I'll be able to improve my level.
PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
gerardM

Messages : 33594
Lieu : Ermont & Eaubonne café-langues (Val d'Oise)
Langues : Français (Langue maternelle), US-En, De, It, Ru

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