Dawn French Fan Club

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Message  gerardM le Ven 31 Juil - 15:54

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00."
She says, "That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn’t you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

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Message  gerardM le Sam 1 Aoû - 14:55

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."


2

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Message  gerardM le Dim 2 Aoû - 15:17

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”
“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says... “Liver alone. Cheese mine."

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Message  gerardM le Mar 4 Aoû - 19:37

On a windy day, an old lady is standing on a street corner, holding on to her hat with both hands, even though her dress is flying up over her face.
An old man across the street sees her and runs over. As he approaches her, he says, "Sister, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, standing over here in all this wind with your dress flying over your head, exposing your paraphernalia, and you're holding that damn hat with both hands. You ought to be ashamed."
She looked at him and said, "Look here, fool, everything down there is 80 years old, but this hat is brand new."

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Message  MurielB le Mer 5 Aoû - 22:55

frustration is Life !

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Message  MurielB le Lun 10 Aoû - 16:04

Luckily it's august !

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Message  MurielB le Mar 11 Aoû - 7:57

Hi Gérard, everyone !

"common sensense is the ability to think and behave in a reasonable way and to make good décisions" Does it grow in my garden ? scratch

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Message  gerardM le Mar 18 Aoû - 17:26

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”
"My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

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PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
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Message  MurielB le Mer 19 Aoû - 13:57

Hi everyone !
Being a grand mother is great ! Any way I hate playing with them, I hate board games or cards etc. it 's not my cup of tea ! (I agree though that it's good to do it when you enjoy it) 
 But I love talking with them, commenting a film or a book. They are very open with me and I like to help them discover their own personality. Because I have already brought up 3 children I choose carefully my words  to help build a good self-esteem and not make them feel guilty. I don't want to be the perfect  I just want to love them as much as I can.


Dernière édition par MurielB le Ven 14 Sep - 16:15, édité 1 fois

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Message  gerardM le Mer 19 Aoû - 22:43




What NOT To Say To The Police. This Is Gold.
VIRALSLOT.COM

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Message  gerardM le Sam 22 Aoû - 0:16

Classic Dawn French… Oh yeah!




When Dawn French Appears As Vicky Pollard's Mum, You Will Find Yourself Laughing Out Loud!
DAWNFRENCHVIDEOS.COM



For those who don't know who Dawn French is: a British comedian.

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Message  gerardM le Dim 23 Aoû - 11:58

‘Bob’s Tavern’ was right next door to a cemetery.
One day in mid winter a drunk stumbled out of the tavern.
Due to his drunk state he wasn’t careful where he was going and he fell into a freshly dug grave.
“Help!” Screamed the drunk on the top of his lungs, “I’m freezing!”
Before long another drunk sauntered out of the tavern and made his way towards the first drunk’s cries.
“I’m freezing!” Screamed the first drunk again.
“Of course you are” scolded the second drunk, coming closer.
“You kicked off all of the dirt they had covered you with!”

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Message  gerardM le Dim 23 Aoû - 15:15

Two women were chatting in the office:
Woman 1: “I had a fine evening, yesterday,how was yours...?”
Woman 2: “It was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell asleep. How was yours...?”
Woman 1: “Oh, it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale!”
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work:
Husband 1: “How was your evening...?”
Husband 2: “Great! I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you?”
Husband 1: “It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t had money left for a cab. We walked home, which took an hour and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!”

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PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
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Message  MurielB le Dim 23 Aoû - 21:10

Very interesting story Gérard ! It shows that what matters is the perspective on things or events

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Message  gerardM le Lun 24 Aoû - 21:57

Edward was lying on his deathbed and the family was taking turns spending time with him.
As he was speaking to his young granddaughter Emily, Edward suddenly smelled an all too familiar smell.
Why it was his favorite – apple pie!
His wife Sandy must have been baking it for him to enjoy this one last time.
“Emily dear,” asked Edward, “Would you please go ask Grandma for a slice of that Apple Pie? It’s smells so delicious!”
Emily ran off to fulfill her dying Grandfather’s last wish.
A moment later, Emily returned empty handed.
“Where’s my pie?” questioned Edward.
“Grandma said it’s not for now” responded Emily, “it’s for the funeral”.

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Message  gerardM le Mer 26 Aoû - 22:06

“OK everyone,” said the the instructor at the birthing class trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, its purpose is to help the men sympathize with their partners.”
“We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the woman instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap. “This imitates the feeling of being pregnant.”
"Which Husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?”
“I will” said one man, taking the suit and trying it on. “This isn’t too bad," said the man walking around. "I think I could get used to this.”
“OK,” said the instructor smiling, “now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.”
“You want me to pick it up?” he said hesitantly, “just as I would if I was pregnant?”
“Yes!” said the instructor.
“Honey,” said the man turning to his wife “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”

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Message  gerardM le Jeu 27 Aoû - 14:46

So it was Jim’s first time leaving Europe, he was excited about visiting America and expanding his horizons.
“Excuse me”, said a woman to him at the airport. “Do you happen to be traveling to America?”
“As a matter of fact I am,” responded Jim.
“Do me a favor, my husband left to America 2 months ago and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. If you meet a fellow named John Dun, tell him to call his wife.”
Jim happily complied and was on his way. He was barely in America for a hour when he saw a big building with the words Dun Watches, “Wow!” thought Jim “that was easy.”
Jim walked into the building and asked the lady behind the desk “do you have a John here?”
“Second door on the left,” was her reply.
Jim saw a man walking out of the door drying his hands “are you Dun?” he asked.
“Yes” came the mystified reply.
“Call your wife,” said Jim, “she’s been waiting to hear from you.”

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Message  gerardM le Ven 28 Aoû - 22:25

Barry and Hannah, an old married couple, are sitting on the couch watching TV.
On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death...
“Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me that, if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, you will make sure to put an end to it.”
“No problem, hun,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.

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Message  gerardM le Sam 29 Aoû - 17:40




Dad Writes a Letter to His Daughter About Her Future Husband. This Is Priceless.
VIRALSLOT.COM

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Message  gerardM le Sam 29 Aoû - 17:50

A man died and went up to Heaven.
Upon arriving he noticed two signs: one said “Men Who Are Bossed By Their wives,” the other one said “Men Not Bossed By Their Wives.”
After closer inspection he noticed that while next to the first sign was a big line, by the second sign there was just one man.
After getting even closer he realized it was his friend Steve.
“Hey Steve,” the man questioned “what in the world are you doing here? Your wife bosses you around more then anybody.”
“I don’t know,” Harry replied, “my wife told me to stand here.”

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Message  gerardM le Dim 30 Aoû - 23:49

A cop was hiding in his usual spot when he saw a car speed by at 90 mph. Quickly turning on his sirens, the cop pulled over an old lady. “License and registration please” said the cop in a tough voice.
“I’m sorry,” responded the lady, “I forgot to ask him where he keeps his registration before I shot him.”
“You what!” Hollered the cop nervously holding onto his gun.
”I shot him,” she responded, “I stuck him in the trunk if you want to see.”
Within 2 minutes there were 8 police cars pulled up behind her and a police officer talking into a megaphone: “Come out of the car with your hands up.”
While one cop watched the lady, another opened the trunk. “Um, ma'm,” said the second cop, “there’s no dead man in this trunk.”
“Well why would there be?” She asked.
“Excuse me,” said another cop, “this car seems to be registered in your name?”
“Well why wouldn’t it be?” repeated the lady.
“Well,” they both responded “the cop said that you told him you killed the owner and put him in the trunk.”
“Humph” said the old lady with a wave of her hand, “I bet that old liar told you I was speeding too!”

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Message  gerardM le Lun 31 Aoû - 23:36

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff, I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.

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Message  MurielB le Mar 1 Sep - 21:14

Gérard I don't understand the joke ?
A wish bone  is an oddly-shaped forked bone that's the fusion of two clavicles called the furcula. It's located right between the neck and breast of a bird.
A back bone is The vertebrate spine or spinal column.
The funny bone  is actually the ulnar nerve, a nerve that runs from the neck all the way to the hand, where it innervates several muscles in the hand and forearm and ends in two branches that innervate the pinkie and half of the ring finger.

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Message  gerardM le Mar 1 Sep - 23:44

Muriel,

I guess you're too serious.
- *wish bone means luck
- back bone means strength or solidity
The first two points are good for tough days...
- funny bone is here to go on with "bone" and a kind of wink: "funny".

(*) there is a custom in the British families: when they eat a turkey (chicken, duck, etc), 2 persons take the wishbone, make a wish and break the wishbone: the wish will be fulfilled.

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Please feel free to point out big mistakes in my messages in a foreign language. Thanks to your remarks, I'll be able to improve my level.
PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
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Dawn French Fan Club - Page 23 Empty Re: Dawn French Fan Club

Message  MurielB le Mer 2 Sep - 8:29

Thanks for all these explanations Gérard.

(*) there is a custom in the British families: when they eat a turkey (chicken, duck, etc), 2 persons take the wishbone, make a wish and break the wishbone: the wish will be fulfilled.
I will do that when I want a wish to come true ! Wink

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Merci de me faire part des grosses fautes dans mes messages en langue étrangère. Grâce à vos remarques, je pourrai m'améliorer :-)
MurielB
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