English Humour

from English and American jokes

and the third way is a part of each one

"Soccer, soccer, soccer ! That's all you think about" His wife complained....

"I bet you couldn't even tell me what day we were married ! "

"yes, I could replied the husband.

"I was the day Arsenal scored 5 goals against Chelsea ! ( From 300 British and American jokes Bilingual)

A bank is an institution where you can borrow money if you can provide sufficient evidence to show that you don't need it.

MacDonald was on his death bed and he gasped his last words to his friend McDougall
"There's a bottle of scotch under my bed. when
I'm gone will you sprinkle It on my grave. Promise me That you"ll do It.
"och,aye but Would you mind if i passed it through my kidneys first !"

"Once upon a time, two priest were talking together. They said that they can't stop smoking.

One day, the first one asked to his supperior if he could somke when he was praying, the supperior said that it was impossible. The second one asked if he could pray while he was smoking. The supperior allows him to do..."

Actually it's not realy a joke but a way to show that the way you use to say thing is very important. Take care dudes

It's interesting, Baptiste the way to ask things, I have got another one about the ideal diet. You eat what you want, and as much as you want. You don't lose any weight, but i's really easy to stick to.

"Tarzan," queried Jane, "Why do you have to bellow so when you swing through the jungle?"

"I'm under contract darling," replied the lord of the jungle. "This pharmaceutical company make sore throat lozenges."

Lozenges means pastilles

People say you had married me for my money

Of course I have to give them a reason

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" she asks. Her mother replies, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thinks about this awhile, then asks, "So how come ALL of Grandma’s hairs are white?"

very good !
So logical...

Why did the clock get sick? It was run down.

Pourquoi l'horloge tombe malade? Elle a été renversé.

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

What kind of rooms have no walls? Mushrooms.

Boy and Hindi Girl apply for divorce.
Judge: You have 3 children, how will you divide them equally.

The girl thinks for a moment and tells Boy: "Dear, let's move home, we will apply for divorce after 9 months. "

"Am I the first man You have ever loved ? Of course ! why do men always ask that question?

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute !"

Two men are talking about life and death. One of the two men is very sick. He is worry about whether or not he will recover. His friend tries to reassure him.
''Why are you so anxious? Be rationnal: there are only two issues. You can recover or not.
If you recover, it 's no point worrying too much.
If you died, or you go to Heaven or you go to Hell. Once again, if you go to Heaven, you needn't worry so much.
If you go to Hell, that is an issue but do you think you'll be alone? There will be so many people you know... to greet them will take you such a long time...you won't notice where you are...so don't worry!''

I am very touched with what you have written jackyg. I am back from hospital because I have broken a bone. I feel miserable but cheered up thanks to you.

There are a lot of Irish jokes in English, they are as funny as Belgian jokes in French...
Two Irishmen are speaking about
why A pear is one and a pair is two...
why A boy is somebody and a buoy is a thing...
why A ewe is an animal and you aren't....
to be continued

What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"

What stories do the ship captain's children like to hear?

Ferry tales.

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because she had bright students.

I have often asked students this one as a serious question:

Q. Do you know the difference between UNLAWFUL and ILLEGAL.

Nobody ever knows the difference so I then give them the answer:

A. 'Unlawful' means that something is against the law whereas 'Illegal' is a sick bird!