English Humour
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English Humour
Two Americans are talking. One asks: "What's the difference between capitalism and communism?"
"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"
from English and American jokes"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"
Dernière édition par MurielB le Sam 7 Avr - 11:47, édité 2 fois
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Re: English Humour
and the third way is a part of each one

Remy- Messages : 2363
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Re: English Humour
"Soccer, soccer, soccer ! That's all you think about" His wife complained....
"I bet you couldn't even tell me what day we were married ! "
"yes, I could replied the husband.
"I was the day Arsenal scored 5 goals against Chelsea !
( From 300 British and American jokes Bilingual)
"I bet you couldn't even tell me what day we were married ! "
"yes, I could replied the husband.
"I was the day Arsenal scored 5 goals against Chelsea !

Invité- Invité
Re: English Humour
A bank is an institution where you can borrow money if you can provide sufficient evidence to show that you don't need it.
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Re: English Humour
MacDonald was on his death bed and he gasped his last words to his friend McDougall
"There's a bottle of scotch under my bed. when
I'm gone will you sprinkle It on my grave. Promise me That you"ll do It.
"och,aye but Would you mind if i passed it through my kidneys first !"
"There's a bottle of scotch under my bed. when
I'm gone will you sprinkle It on my grave. Promise me That you"ll do It.
"och,aye but Would you mind if i passed it through my kidneys first !"
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Re: English Humour
"Once upon a time, two priest were talking together. They said that they can't stop smoking.
One day, the first one asked to his supperior if he could somke when he was praying, the supperior said that it was impossible. The second one asked if he could pray while he was smoking. The supperior allows him to do..."
Actually it's not realy a joke but a way to show that the way you use to say thing is very important. Take care dudes
One day, the first one asked to his supperior if he could somke when he was praying, the supperior said that it was impossible. The second one asked if he could pray while he was smoking. The supperior allows him to do..."
Actually it's not realy a joke but a way to show that the way you use to say thing is very important. Take care dudes

BaptisteV- Messages : 8
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Typical English humour
It's interesting, Baptiste the way to ask things, I have got another one about the ideal diet. You eat what you want, and as much as you want. You don't lose any weight, but i's really easy to stick to.




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Re: English Humour
"Tarzan," queried Jane, "Why do you have to bellow so when you swing through the jungle?"
"I'm under contract darling," replied the lord of the jungle. "This pharmaceutical company make sore throat lozenges."
Lozenges means pastilles
"I'm under contract darling," replied the lord of the jungle. "This pharmaceutical company make sore throat lozenges."
Lozenges means pastilles
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Re: English Humour
People say you had married me for my money
Of course I have to give them a reason
Of course I have to give them a reason
Dernière édition par MurielB le Mar 11 Sep - 15:27, édité 1 fois
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Re: English Humour
Sherlock Holmes and Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!"
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Re: English Humour
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" she asks. Her mother replies, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thinks about this awhile, then asks, "So how come ALL of Grandma’s hairs are white?"
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Re: English Humour
very good !
So logical...
So logical...
Remy- Messages : 2363
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English joke <The clock get sick>


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English humour : why is it so important to learn a second language

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
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English joke: rooms without walls
What kind of rooms have no walls? Mushrooms.
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English joke: <divorce>
Boy and Hindi Girl apply for divorce.
Judge: You have 3 children, how will you divide them equally.
The girl thinks for a moment and tells Boy: "Dear, let's move home, we will apply for divorce after 9 months. "
Judge: You have 3 children, how will you divide them equally.
The girl thinks for a moment and tells Boy: "Dear, let's move home, we will apply for divorce after 9 months. "
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English Jokes: Men
"Am I the first man You have ever loved ? Of course ! why do men always ask that question?
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English humour : relativity
A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute !"
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Don't worry...
Two men are talking about life and death. One of the two men is very sick. He is worry about whether or not he will recover. His friend tries to reassure him.
''Why are you so anxious? Be rationnal: there are only two issues. You can recover or not.
If you recover, it 's no point worrying too much.
If you died, or you go to Heaven or you go to Hell. Once again, if you go to Heaven, you needn't worry so much.
If you go to Hell, that is an issue but do you think you'll be alone? There will be so many people you know... to greet them will take you such a long time...you won't notice where you are...so don't worry!''
''Why are you so anxious? Be rationnal: there are only two issues. You can recover or not.
If you recover, it 's no point worrying too much.
If you died, or you go to Heaven or you go to Hell. Once again, if you go to Heaven, you needn't worry so much.
If you go to Hell, that is an issue but do you think you'll be alone? There will be so many people you know... to greet them will take you such a long time...you won't notice where you are...so don't worry!''

janickg- Messages : 5
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Re: English Humour
I am very touched with what you have written jackyg. I am back from hospital because I have broken a bone. I feel miserable but cheered up thanks to you.
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Do you fancy these ones?
There are a lot of Irish jokes in English, they are as funny as Belgian jokes in French...
Two Irishmen are speaking about
why A pear is one and a pair is two...
why A boy is somebody and a buoy is a thing...
why A ewe is an animal and you aren't....
to be continued
Two Irishmen are speaking about
why A pear is one and a pair is two...
why A boy is somebody and a buoy is a thing...
why A ewe is an animal and you aren't....
to be continued

janickg- Messages : 5
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What is the longest word in the English language ? (English joke)
What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"

SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"



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English joke <boat>

What stories do the ship captain's children like to hear?
Ferry tales.
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English riddle <teacher tip>

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A legal joke
I have often asked students this one as a serious question:
Q. Do you know the difference between UNLAWFUL and ILLEGAL.
Nobody ever knows the difference so I then give them the answer:
A. 'Unlawful' means that something is against the law whereas 'Illegal' is a sick bird!
Q. Do you know the difference between UNLAWFUL and ILLEGAL.
Nobody ever knows the difference so I then give them the answer:
A. 'Unlawful' means that something is against the law whereas 'Illegal' is a sick bird!
Philip HANMAN- Messages : 3
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