British humour

This discussion is a "tea-break" in this forum. Everyone can put a short joke ... ... here in english

I start with this one about the Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."

How many Englishmen does it take to batter down a castle gate?
10,000, 100 to hold the ram and 9,900 to move the castle back and forth.

A mum is talking with her 15 year old son " Stop remaining hours in front of your computer!"
"You know, Mummy, it is more fun at the front than at the back"

Jock asked the bus conductor how much it would cost to travel into town. "80 pence" said the conductor. Jock thought this was a bit steep so he decided to run after the bus for a few stops. "How much now?" he asked. "Still 80 pence". Jock ran after the bus for another three stops and, panting, he asked "How much now?" The conductor replied "90 pence. You're running in the wrong direction!"

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

and the third way is a part of each one

"Soccer, soccer, soccer ! That's all you think about" His wife complained....

"I bet you couldn't even tell me what day we were married ! "

"yes, I could replied the husband.

"I was the day Arsenal scored 5 goals against Chelsea ! ( From 300 British and American jokes Bilingual)

A bank is an institution where you can borrow money if you can provide sufficient evidence to show that you don't need it.

MacDonald was on his death bed and he gasped his last words to his friend McDougall
"There's a bottle of scotch under my bed. when
I'm gone will you sprinkle It on my grave. Promise me That you"ll do It.
"och,aye but Would you mind if i passed it through my kidneys first !"

"Once upon a time, two priest were talking together. They said that they can't stop smoking.

One day, the first one asked to his supperior if he could somke when he was praying, the supperior said that it was impossible. The second one asked if he could pray while he was smoking. The supperior allows him to do..."

Actually it's not realy a joke but a way to show that the way you use to say thing is very important. Take care dudes

It's interesting, Baptiste the way to ask things, I have got another one about the ideal diet. You eat what you want, and as much as you want. You don't lose any weight, but i's really easy to stick to.

"Tarzan," queried Jane, "Why do you have to bellow so when you swing through the jungle?"

"I'm under contract darling," replied the lord of the jungle. "This pharmaceutical company make sore throat lozenges."

Lozenges means pastilles

People say you had married me for my money

Of course I have to give them a reason

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" she asks. Her mother replies, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thinks about this awhile, then asks, "So how come ALL of Grandma’s hairs are white?"

very good !
So logical...

Why did the clock get sick? It was run down.

Pourquoi l'horloge tombe malade? Elle a été renversé.

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

What kind of rooms have no walls? Mushrooms.

Boy and Hindi Girl apply for divorce.
Judge: You have 3 children, how will you divide them equally.

The girl thinks for a moment and tells Boy: "Dear, let's move home, we will apply for divorce after 9 months. "

"Am I the first man You have ever loved ? Of course ! why do men always ask that question?

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute !"

Two men are talking about life and death. One of the two men is very sick. He is worry about whether or not he will recover. His friend tries to reassure him.
''Why are you so anxious? Be rationnal: there are only two issues. You can recover or not.
If you recover, it 's no point worrying too much.
If you died, or you go to Heaven or you go to Hell. Once again, if you go to Heaven, you needn't worry so much.
If you go to Hell, that is an issue but do you think you'll be alone? There will be so many people you know... to greet them will take you such a long time...you won't notice where you are...so don't worry!''