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Message  gerardM Dim 17 Mai - 15:37

A housewife came home from shopping to see her husband holding a fly swatter while standing in the kitchen.
“What are you doing” she asked.
“Killing flies.”
“Get any?” she inquired.
“Yeah. Five. Three male and two female.”
“Wait a minute!”, said the wife. “How can you tell if flies are male or female?”
“Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.”

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Message  MurielB Dim 17 Mai - 19:30

Yes it is easier to put people down than putting oneself up !

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Message  gerardM Mar 19 Mai - 21:43

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"
Problem solved.

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Message  MurielB Mer 20 Mai - 9:28

Mother"s love is irreplaceable and never weakens. It is forever and inconditionel especially when her children are ill or have problems. My husband has noticed it all along his career.

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Message  gerardM Mer 20 Mai - 23:32

A cruise ship hired a magician to entertain the passengers.
Since the passengers changed every four or five days, the magician was able to perform the same tricks over and over.
Unfortunately, the Captain of the ship had a parrot who sat around and watched the magician perform his tricks, over and over. Eventually, the parrot learned how the tricks were done and would interrupt the act.
"It's in his sleeve" the parrot would say. "He switched balls." "It's in his pocket." Etc., etc.
Naturally, the magician was quite disturbed by the parrot but could do nothing about it, since it belonged to the Captain.
Unfortunately, the cruise ship had the misfortune of hitting an iceberg and sank to the bottom of the sea in a matter of minutes. As fate would have it, the magician and the parrot managed to grab hold of the same floating piece of furniture.
For 3 days, neither said anything. The magician stared at the parrot and the parrot stared back. Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot cracked and said:
"OK, I give up, where on Earth did you put the ship?"

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Message  gerardM Jeu 21 Mai - 22:40

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner.
After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her," Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?
"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to." She replied.
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"
Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."

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Message  MurielB Jeu 21 Mai - 23:11

Gérard that's a good example of traditions. Everybody copies them without knowing the reason. It's the same with religion.

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Message  gerardM Ven 22 Mai - 18:19

Some wonderful English signs from around the world:
- Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
- Doctor's office, Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.
- Dry cleaners, Bangkok: Drop your trousers here for the best results.
- In a Nairobi restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
- On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
- On a poster at Kencom: Are you an adult who cannot read? If so we can help.
- In a city restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
- In a cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
- Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.
- On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
- Hotel, Yugoslavia: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
- Hotel, Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
- In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox monastery: you are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
- A sign posted in Germany's black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.
- Hotel, Zurich: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
- Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
- Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
- A laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

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Message  gerardM Ven 22 Mai - 18:47




God! Does anyone understand? I don't yet.

I understand "sugar coat".
I'm still searching about "Willy Wonka".

~~ edit

-> Willy Wonka
-> Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory

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Message  MurielB Ven 22 Mai - 20:45

Gérard, I have looked up "to sugar coat'=>to make (something difficult or distasteful) appear more pleasant or acceptable
I suppose "To accept things as they are "and not be like  Willy Wonka

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Message  gerardM Dim 24 Mai - 10:28

It 's very true ! We always take our problems with us.

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Message  gerardM Dim 24 Mai - 16:15

A woman was lamenting that she had gained weight.
She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone.
The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.
Everyone commiserated; until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.
She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half of it!"

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PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
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Message  gerardM Mar 26 Mai - 16:32

Hi Gérard, everyone !
I know the expression "To be in a good mood" or "To be in a bad mood"
But I don't know what a mood swing is ! Sad
A mood swing is an extreme or rapid change in mood. Such mood swings can play a positive part in promoting problem solving and in producing flexible forward planning.[1] However, when mood swings are so strong that they are disruptive, they may be the main part of a bipolar disorder.[2

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Message  gerardM Ven 29 Mai - 22:20

The wise old Mother Superior was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!"
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the window, she said, "Don't sell that cow!"

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Message  gerardM Dim 31 Mai - 21:48

An old man was laying on his death bed.
He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies. He loved chocolate chip cookies more than anything else in the world. With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, and to the stairs. Then down the stairs and into the kitchen. There his wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. As he reached for one, he got SMACKED across the back of his hand by the wooden spoon his wife was holding.

"Leave them alone!" she said, "They're for the funeral!"

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Message  MurielB Dim 31 Mai - 22:22

gerardM a écrit:An old man was laying on his death bed.
He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies. He loved chocolate chip cookies more than anything else in the world. With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, and to the stairs. Then down the stairs and into the kitchen. There his wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. As he reached for one, he got SMACKED across the back of his hand by the wooden spoon his wife was holding.

"Leave them alone!" she said, "They're for the funeral!
Gérardn it's very very black humor ! Twisted Evil

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Message  gerardM Lun 1 Juin - 11:22

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card: "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

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PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
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Message  gerardM Mar 2 Juin - 18:37

In the men's room, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.
The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands... clear up to his elbows... he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Nebraska and they taught us to be sanitary."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Iowa and they taught us not to pee on our hands."

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Message  gerardM Mar 2 Juin - 18:48

you have "Life" printed on your "shirt", you are life. When you hand out lemons it is to make lemonade and it's exactly what life does.


I don't understand #3.
Anyone out there?

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Message  MurielB Mar 2 Juin - 22:40

gerardM a écrit:
I don't understand #3.
Anyone out there?

when you have "Life" printed on your "shirt", you are life. When you hand out lemons it is to make lemonade and it's exactly what life does.


Dernière édition par MurielB le Dim 20 Mar - 9:36, édité 1 fois

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Message  gerardM Jeu 4 Juin - 15:53

> it's exactly what life does.
Sorry Muriel, I still can't understand.
Life makes lemonade?? scratch

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Message  gerardM Jeu 4 Juin - 17:37

Three buddies die in a car crash and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

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Message  gerardM Jeu 4 Juin - 23:29

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the wait persons had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."
As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly.
My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent"
"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

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Message  gerardM Ven 5 Juin - 16:41

Three accountants and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three engineers each buy a ticket and watch as the three accountants only buy one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an engineer.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an accountant.
They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The engineers see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an accountant.
When they board the train all three engineers cram into a restroom and the three accountants cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"

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Please feel free to point out big mistakes in my messages in a foreign language. Thanks to your remarks, I'll be able to improve my level.
PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
gerardM

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Dawn French Fan Club - Page 6 Empty Re: Dawn French Fan Club

Message  gerardM Sam 6 Juin - 16:21




The Greatest Wedding Invitation In History. This Couple Is Doing It Right.
How wedding invitations SHOULD be.
VIRALSLOT.COM

_________________
Please feel free to point out big mistakes in my messages in a foreign language. Thanks to your remarks, I'll be able to improve my level.
PS: Pls note that I chose American English for my vocabulary, grammar, spelling, culture, etc.  :-)
gerardM
gerardM

Messages : 32574
Lieu : Ermont & Eaubonne café-langues (Val d'Oise)
Langues : Français (Langue maternelle), US-En, De, It, Ru

http://volangues.blogspot.com/

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