Funny Pics / Funny Stories

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose.

The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I walked here. How am I gonna carry all this home?"

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket... and I'll hold the chickens."

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect,

he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers: "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye"
The policeman says "Well... Uh... that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says "Ha! He'd be easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He adds quickly "... think hard before giving a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says "Hmmm... the suspect is wearing contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that is a good answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy" the blonde replied. "He can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up… you’re next!”

The Pope comes in one day and says to his cardinals: "It seems the Jews have challenged us to golf."
The cardinals protest that they're no good at golf, and say: "Why don't we ask Jack Nicklaus to become an honorary cardinal, then he can play for the Vatican?"
So Jack Nicklaus goes out and plays the game, and comes back with his head in his hands.
"What's wrong?" the Pope asked.
"Well, it was OK at the start," said Nicklaus. "But did you ever hear of Rabbi Tiger Woods?"

There's a little boy who loves tractors.
On his 17th birthday, his mother gives him a trip to a tractor fair, but he gets badly injured, leading to a lengthy stay in hospital. He says he's never going near tractors again.
Years later, he's in a bar when he catches the eye of a beautiful young lady. She's crying, and he asks her what her trouble is.
She replies: " It's the smoke".
He thinks: 'What can I do to make this better?' He then blows, which stops her crying.
She asks him how he did it and he says: "Well I'm an ex-tractor fan."