British humour

"Say, waiter, there is a dead fly in my soup !
- Yes sir, it's the heat that kills them"


An American visiting London saw a restaurant which claimed they could serve any dish that was requested. So he asked the waiter for a crocodile sandwich.
The waiter came back a moment later and said :
"I'm so sorry, sir, but we've run out of bread !"

very witty answer !

we've run out of bread

What a shame !

As the mechanic said yesterday : "If I were you, I'd keep the oïl and change the car".

It's the overtakers who make work for the undertakers.

"If I were you, I'd keep the oïl and change the car".

good idea !

Q: Why do French People eat snails? A: Because they don't like fast food!

SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?"
SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "That's really none of your business. Why do you ask?"
SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "If you must know, I make $100 an hour."
SON: "Oh. (With his head down).
SON: "Daddy, can I please borrow $50?"
DAD: "REALLY?! If you're asking to borrow money for some silly toy or game, you can just march yourself straight to your room to think about why you're being so selfish. I work hard everyday to provide for this family, and this is the thanks I get?"

The little boy went quietly to his room and shut the door. So, the dad went to his son's door and opened it.
DAD: "Are you asleep, son?"
SON: "No daddy, I'm awake".
DAD: "I've been thinking, and maybe I was too hard on you earlier. It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $50 you asked for."
The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
SON: "Oh, thank you daddy!"

Son pulls crumbled bills from pillow
DAD: "Why do you want more money if you already have some?"
SON: "Because I didn't have enough, but now I do. Daddy, I have $100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship,

they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their

perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed

someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,

they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,

the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately,

the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an

accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really

existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa

Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop

reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman

must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this,

this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either....

LMAO~~

Great !

Jokes of the day. Thanks Carmen.

- My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

- Jewish Irony: Passover canceled because of a plague.

- Many parents are just about to discover the teacher is not the problem.

- Sneezes went from bless you to f---- you real quick.

- First time in history we can save the human race by lying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let's not screw it up.

- Reminder: 9pm is the time to remove your day pajamas and put your night pajamas on.

- My cleaning lady just messaged to say she will be working from home and will send me instructions on what to do.

- We're about two weeks away from seeing everyone's true hair color.

- What's worse: two masked guys trying to rob you or your unmasked pizza delivery guy?

- I've completed my 90 day trial of 2020. How do I cancel?

- Anyone else feel like life is being written by a fourth grader? "And there was this virus and everyone was scared. And then the world ran out of toilet paper. Yeah, and then there was like no school for a month."

- Anyone have a recipe to make toilet paper out of cauliflower?

- If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine, you probably should have been seeing a doctor long before covid-19.

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…”

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples....'

Just for laughs


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Smart answer by a female passenger on a flight...

A guy asked a beautiful lady sitting next to him...
'Nice perfume.....which one is it?... I want to give it to my wife..!!'
Lady: 'Don't give her....some idiot will find an excuse to talk to her..!!'


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A letter from a teacher to a parent:
Dear Parent, Edward doesn't smell nice in class. Please try to bath him.

Parent's answer:
Dear Teacher, Edward is not a rose, Don't smell him,Teach him ......


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Mother to Son: Who is Sultan Aziz?
Son : Don't know
Mother : Devote some time to pay attention to study also
Son to Mother : Do you know Aunty Jennifer?
Mother : Don't know
Son: Sometimes pay attention to Daddy also

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A cute excuse:
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Mom & dad were fighting.
Teacher: So what makes you late if they were fighting?
Student: One of my shoes was in mom's hand, and the other in dad's..


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Wife: I hate that beggar.
Husband: Why?
Wife: Rascal, yesterday I gave him food. Today he gave me a book on
"How to Cook !!!


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Husband came home drunk. To avoid wife's scolding, he took a laptop & started working.
Wife: Did u drink?????
Husband : no!
Wife: Idiot!!! then why are you typing on a suitcase?!!!


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Don't laugh alone.
Pass it on

On the way to meet my husband at a restaurant, I realized that I didn’t have my phone and immediately panicked. I needn’t have worried. He saw my phone on the couch at home and brought it with him. When he arrived, I checked my texts. There was only one, and it was from him: “I’m on my way, and I have your phone.” —Michelle Steinmetz