British humour

There was a plane about to crash with only three political leaders on board but there was only one parachute. President Biden said I am the leader of the free world and I should have the parachute. President Xi said I am the leader of the greatest economy in the world. I should have the parachute. President Putin said I am the leader of Mighty Russia and I should have the parachute. I know he said, let us have a vote on it and President Putin won by ten votes.

JohnB

: What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
a Carpet

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.

I like puns when they cross language borders. I seem to be followed by "pain" at the moment. Patrick used a phrase I had never heard of before but it seemed common knowledge to others so I have researched it. My English is being improved by these forums. The phrase was " bread and games " . You can say " bread and games " but the more common translation is " bread and circuses " . It originates from a Latin writer, Juvenal, who wrote " panem et circenses " !                                                                                                                                      johnB

John a écrit: . The phrase was " bread and games " . You can say " bread and games " but the more common translation is " bread and circuses " . It originates from a Latin writer, Juvenal, who wrote " panem et circenses " !

Tx John, it’s very interesting

Really surprising !

Here is a modern joke, so modern I do not understand it as it may be incorrect !

" I have just started a rock band called 999 Megabytes but we have not got a gig yet ! "


I have just researched the mysterious world of computing and it tells me some say a gigabyte is 1000 megabytes and others say it is 1024 megabytes which destroys the joke.

A " gig " is a colloquial word for a music concert or an appearance of an artist. johnB.

Tx John for your words as i always enjoy what you write

Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!” His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you hear the rattle?”

A friend of mine told me the story that when he was young living in the country he was out cycling. In the middle of the lane was a discarded snake skin. He picked it up and put it in his pocket. He cycled on for a couple of miles and came to a lake. When he was at the lake he threw the snake skin into the water and the snake swam away ! johnB.

Thank you John for sharing your snake story. I found it quite scary but fortunately it all ended well

The Ugliest Baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

With a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13. Me: That’s quite the age difference! Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own. —Mria Murillo

By the time I was fifteen all my grandparents were dead. Nowadays, it is common for grandchildren to have grandparents from both sides of the family. This can be confusing for younger grandchildren and for the parents can lead to a lot of diplomatic and tactical visiting !

Here is a joke I hope you can understand as it may be more understandable to an English person.

Here goes ! Last week two florists got married. It was an arranged marriage.                                                                 johnB

Hi John
Here is the definition of to arrange

put (things) in a neat, attractive, or required order.

I suppose that the verb suits to florists because the flowers they sell are placed in bunches; In french we have the expression "Mariage arrangé" it means organized by the parents

You are quite correct. In English we say " to arrange " flowers. This means to display them nicely and artistically in a vase rather than just " plonk " them in. ( i.e. just put them in without any thought as to where they should go. ) There are courses in colleges and night schools called " Flower Arranging " . A skill useful for church services, weddings and even private homes. johnB.

Tx John. Arranged flowers are a bouquet. We have the same word in French : Un bouquet

A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?”

His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”

The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”

Here is a joke originating amongst the Russian people and told by Ronald Reagan .

Some years ago in Russia only party officials had cars and private citizens had to wait ten years. The private citizen goes to the garage and hands over the money .

Garage Owner " Thank you very much. Come back in ten years and you can have the car. "
Car Buyer " Morning or afternoon ? "
Garage Owner " It is in ten year's time. What difference does it make ?
Car Buyer " Well, the plumber is coming in the morning " . johnB.