Re: Dawn French Fan Club

gerardM Lun 16 Mar - 17:27

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.
They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.
The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice boobs! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

gerardM Mar 17 Mar - 16:18

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and
said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die".
1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had told her.
"You're going to die," she replied.

gerardM Mer 18 Mar - 15:05

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said: "Hi, Bob!"

gerardM Jeu 19 Mar - 16:23

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when
she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be
taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the
blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off
they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of
San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the
blonde. "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over
so now we're going to Sea World."

gerardM Ven 20 Mar - 23:12

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because although she looks familiar, he can't quite remember how he knows her.

"Do I know you?" he asks.

She replies. "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Aghast, his mind travels back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful to his wife.

"Oh God, are you the stripper from that stag weekend that I had sex with on the pool table with all my mates watching while your colleague whipped me with wet celery?"

She looks at him in the eyes and calmly replies "No, I'm your son's teacher

gerardM Sam 21 Mar - 11:26

This is a proof that you can't ever underestimate the creativeness of boys for mischief.

With considering all the brilliant, devious minds we had in high school, I don't know how we missed doing this.

At a high school in Montana, a group of students played a prank - they let three goats loose inside the school.

But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3!

LOL Good idea!

gerardM Dim 22 Mar - 14:58

Charlie's wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the midwife was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the midwife handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the midwife, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes she had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the midwife.
Within a few minutes she had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" Said the midwife.
Charlie scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the midwife, "Do you think it might be the light that's attracting them?"

gerardM Lun 23 Mar - 12:18

Six guys were playing poker when O'Malley loses $500 on a single hand. He clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. O'Hara looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Casey, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Casey walks over to the O'Malley house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Casey says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Casey says, "I'll tell him."

gerardM Mer 25 Mar - 1:15

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,” she told him.
“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”
“He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken”

gerardM Mer 25 Mar - 19:42

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

gerardM Jeu 26 Mar - 17:26

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...
'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.
'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

gerardM Ven 27 Mar - 14:51

A man goes to prison and the first night while he's laying in bed contemplating his situation, he hears someone yell out, "44!" Followed by laughter from the other prisoners.
He thought that was pretty odd, then he heard someone else yell out, "72!" Followed by even more laughter.
" What's going on?" he asked his cellmate.
"Well, we've all heard every joke so many times, we've given them each a number to make it easier."
"Oh," he says, "can I try?"
" Sure, go ahead."
So, he yells out "102!" and the place goes nuts. People are whooping and laughing in a hysteria. He looks at his cellmate rolling on the ground with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.
"Wow, good joke huh?"
"Yeah! We ain't never heard that one before!"

MurielB Ven 27 Mar - 20:08

Laughter is the best medicine...but if you laugh for no reason you need medicine

Of course, that makes sense !

gerardM Sam 28 Mar - 14:33

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Oh God! When he told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, I thought he meant his money!!”

gerardM Dim 29 Mar - 21:38

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

gerardM Dim 29 Mar - 22:36

MurielB a écrit:...
For those who don't know what a chill pill is. It means "Relax, be quiet ! "

Yes.
Thanks Muriel. There're oodles of expressions to say this and Dawn French knows most of them.

English has got lots of funny expressions, so do many languages.

gerardM Lun 30 Mar - 14:09

For my birthday this year my wife Joan bought me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife Joan seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was. They suggested I keep an “exercise diary” to chart my progress.
Day 1: Started the morning at 6:00a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blonde hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the Aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great!
Day 2: Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worthwhile. Muscles all feel great.
Day 3: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.
Day 4: Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5: I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you, Tanya, I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage... you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher?
Day 6: I got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7: Well, that’s the week. Thank goodness that’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

You should understabd every word of this easy text... otherwise, learn the words.

MurielB Mar 31 Mar - 8:16

Very true ! Very Happy

gerardM Mar 31 Mar - 19:41

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an “A” so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time—however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to the University of Virginia for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation.

“Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, “this is going to be easy.” Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written:

“(For 95 points): Which tire?”

gerardM Mar 31 Mar - 21:15

I'm very surprised as I can read the number...
... in fact I had problems in my military service
as I've got small troubles with these tests
and cannot usually see numbers!!
scratch

Am I cured or is the test shitty?

MurielB Mar 31 Mar - 21:22

I can see 7 !

gerardM Mer 1 Avr - 0:36

Muriel,

I read 571.
I might see poorly but I see another one... pls could you take another look moving your screen under a slightly different angle?

MurielB Mer 1 Avr - 22:50

gerardM a écrit:Muriel,

I read 571.
I might see poorly but I see another one... pls could you take another look moving your screen under a slightly different angle?

Gérard !
Yes I also see 571 but i am sure your eyesight is better than mine !

gerardM Mer 1 Avr - 23:35

People told me several times I had a slight colorblind affliction.

I don't know but I usually don't see anything when there's a number (or a drawing) in a mosaic especially if there're the dark blue and red colors.
So is my brother who could never become an aircraft pilot.

gerardM Jeu 2 Avr - 14:15

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.